Translating Obamish

If you missed -- or ignored -- the State of the Union speech, Paul Greenberg has translated it for you!  Here's an excerpt:

"The State of the Union is much better thanks to my efforts over the past three years to improve your poor wretched lives -- efforts unparalleled since Abraham Lincoln, Lyndon Johnson, and maybe Martin Van Buren -- to restore our nation's economic health. Those efforts have been highly successful, no matter what you think. Or feel or see or know.
Thanks to our federal government's having invented the fracking process to extract natural gas from shale formations, much the way Al Gore invented the Internet, we are making dramatic progress in solving the Energy Crisis and generally repairing the damage done to the middle class by the previous administration. (Middle Class: a general term for everyone in the sound of my voice who can vote.) Rest assured: If anything's wrong with this country, it's George W. Bush's fault. But I must be honest: It wasn't all his fault. Some of it was Dick Cheney's."