Hanukah vs Christmas

This humorous piece is by Jeff Dunetz at The Lid. I've seen bits and pieces of it over the years and always enjoy it. The Chinese restaurant sign above is a favorite, as like every Jewish family, we spent Christmas eating Chinese!

Here's an excerpt:

"#1 Christmas is on December 25th, the same day every year. The date is based on the secular solar-based calendar. Hanukkah begins on the 25th of Kislev every year. But that date is tied to the Hebrew LUNAR calendar. The Jewish calendar date of the 25th of Kislev falls on a different day of the secular calendar every year.

"Most Jews have no idea where Chanukkah falls on the secular calendar until a Gentile friend asks when Chanukah starts. Their question forces us to consult the calendar given to us by the local Jewish Funeral Home. For the funeral home, it’s a great marketing tool. When someone dies in one’s family, the phone number to call is always handy.

"BTW, the Jews also celebrate December 25th. Why not? We have a paid day also. The Jewish tradition of Christmas Day starts with going to the movies. On the 25th, there are no lines at the theater box office for the theaters playing the hot winter blockbusters because the Christians can’t go because they are with family celebrating Christmas.

"After the movie theater, we make our annual Christmas pilgrimage to get Chinese food, a traditional Jewish cuisine.

"It’s 2023 in the secular calendar, 4721 in the Chinese calendar, and 5784 In the Jewish calendar. Archeologists and other scientists still haven’t figured out what the Jews ordered for Chinese take-out for the first 1063 years of our existence.

"In the book of Genesis, we learn that the patriarch Abraham always kept his tent flaps open. Theologians will tell you that he kept them open because he wanted to welcome people, but that’s not true. He kept the flaps open so the Chinese food delivery guy saw that he was home.

"2. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah. The  Oxford English Dictionary shows 24 different spellings for Hanukkah (Chanucha, Chanuchah, Hanuca, Hanucka, Chanuca, Chanukah, Chanucca, Chanuccah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukkah, Hanucah, Hanucca, Hanuccah, Hanucha, Hanuckah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukka, Hanukkah, Khanukah, Khanukka, and Khanukkah). I like to use many of them–even in the same post. The reason for the spelling differences is its actual name in Hebrew is חֲנֻכָּה, and Hebrew can be transliterated into English in many ways. We also like the spelling differences because it confuses the Gentiles.

"3. Christmas is a major Christian holiday. Chanukah is NOT a major Jewish holiday. Chanukkah is only a big deal in America because Jewish parents wanted their kids to brag about getting gifts like their Christian buddies for eight nights. Hanukkah isn’t mentioned in the Torah. It was created by Rabbis. Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but more significant holidays like Passover, Sukkot, and Rosh Hashana, for example, were designated by God. And God outranks the rabbis, which is a fact only some rabbis agree with.

"Most Christians do not get upset if you wish them a Happy Hannukah, but many Jews and atheists get upset if someone wishes them a Merry Christmas.

"'Happy Holidays' is a stupid PC term. Technically, it can refer to July 4th, Thanksgiving, Groundhog Day, or Satanic Revels. If you are Jewish and somebody wishes you a Merry Christmas, grow up! It’s the thought that counts, and who knows, maybe they will buy you a Christmas present."

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If you're Jewish, make sure you read the whole thing and pass it along to your relatives!