"President Trump noted the anniversary of the assassination attempt by the 20-year-old sniper from a nearby unguarded roof in Pennsylvania. His protection was ridiculously sloppy. The Secret Service has since scrapped its DEI hiring policy and is now advertising for men with roofing experience."
"The Glass House Farm marijuana farm in Camarillo was raided by ICE agents Thursday. The agents were forced to tear-gas angry anti-ICE protestors as they hauled away the migrants working inside the glassed-in pot farm. The tear gas settled on the crop creating weed so strong it'll make you cry."
"Olympic gold medal legendary gymnast Mary Lou Retton was in court Tuesday to face her DUI charges. In my drinking days I always passed the roadside test. It's one skill for a gymnast to maintain perfect balance on the balance beam, but it's a skill I mastered to maintain perfect balance on Jim Beam."
"Disney World unveiled a new lifelike robot of President Trump in the park's Hall of Presidents exhibit. The Trump robot stands center stage and recites the Presidential Oath of Office. Standing just to the left of the Trump robot is a lifelike robot of a U.S. District judge over-ruling the Oath of Office."
"Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass flew into a rage at ICE agents on horseback in MacArthur Park Monday. She used vulgar language and called them destructive and un-American. The more I watch Mayor Bass' reaction to ICE the more I think Jack Nicholson held it together pretty well in The Shining."
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